I Can't Recall
by Siriusly Orion Wicked
Summary: You never know how or when you'll meet your future spouse. That is especially true if you got spectacularly drunk and you can't remember the wedding… or who's the bride. With love for Ash-Catle


"Hermione..." Harry paused, hesitating for a moment before continuing. "You wouldn't know by any chance where Ginny gets those... birthday presents for me, would you?" his cheeks were a bright pink that started to spread to his neck. The Chosen One was trying to look anywhere but the eyes of his best friend, who had an amused expression on her face while she served breakfast.

She thought it was peculiar that he was asking such a question at the dining table, at a time when all the residents of Grimmauld Place could witness the conversation, especially if he felt that embarrassed about it.

"You mean the sex shop on Diagon Alley?" she replied nonchalantly. "You're looking for _Wiseacre's Wizarding Equipment_. You have to tell the desk clerk that you're looking for a wand polisher and he'll let you into the real shop. Ginny always goes there, even though it's more expensive than the back shop of _Whizz Hard Books,_ and it has fewer options." She had to smile when the rest of the occupants of the house choked on their food, or their coffee at her answer.

"Excuse me?" exclaimed Remus, who was trying to pass a reluctant piece of bacon that adhered to his throat after his initial shock. The expression on the werewolf's face was hilarious, he looked like a seagull that was trying to down a fish who refused to go down without a fight. She tried to maintain a straight face while answering but couldn't manage to completely suppress a smile.

"Oh, don't look at me like that Remus. Every adult in the wizarding world knows that Wiseacre's Wizarding Equipment is a secret sex shop. Well, every adult in the wizarding world minus Harry apparently," she finished while rolling her eyes.

"Dearest, darling Hermione, we know how the rest of the wizarding world knows about that," said the twin that was sitting beside Remus, whose previous bewildered expression had morphed first to suspicion, and then to interest. She identified him as Fred after he started talking."What we want to know is, how do _you_ know about that?" he continued.

"Or more importantly, how did you know about the back shop of _Whizz Hard Books_?! Not even _we_ knew about that!" George asked incredulously, turning to his twin to confirm that indeed they knew nothing about it.

"Yeah! How did you know about that?" asked Fred indignantly.

"Well, for starters _Whizz Hard Books_ is the publisher of _Quidditch through the ages_ and _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ , so..." she started while Ron made an exasperated hand gesture towards the sky, and Harry snorted, interrupting Hermione briefly. " _So_ , it didn't take long after my first visit to the publisher to realise that they were almost broke. I noticed that people actually frequented it quite a lot for a publisher on the brink of bankruptcy. So, one day I ventured in and found that the back shop contained a number of interesting items and books that had nothing to do with literature, though quite... educational." she finished with a wicked smile.

Hermione had changed considerably after the war. When she thought Harry had died something snapped inside her. A desperation to live and make the most of the time she had awoken inside her and even after the green eyed saviour moved and killed Voldemort, that determination had stayed with her. Harry had died and she could have died any moment during those years… and what had she to show for them? Nothing. Nothing other than good grades and a perfect record and a perfectly acceptable life by the norms of traditional standards.

She had spent so long worrying about doing life correctly, properly, that she had been missing the most important part: living.

Maybe those were gross generalisations and perhaps she was being unfair with herself and all she had gone through during the war but even so, all the living she had done was with the sole purpose of surviving, of keeping Harry alive.

Now, a hunger had awoken inside of her. A fire was lit and it burnt still with alarming force and the witch was determined to live every day to the fullest somehow. Still dedicated, still craving knowledge and growth but with renewed purpose.

Turning her mind back to the conversation at hand, she suddenly became aware of the fact that she was having this conversation with six adults, all of which she now realised, were men; six very attractive men.

Remus, Sirius and the twins wouldn't let a comment like that go by. Even though Ron and Harry didn't really register that way for her, she could acknowledge that all of the present men were quite dashing and perhaps speaking openly about her sexual interests in the present company was asking for trouble. Perhaps it was even a tad dangerous, but considering how she had grown somewhat addicted to danger she decided to ignore the warning that was growing in her chest.

"Then there is also the fact that I'm a grown sexual being that cares for interesting twists in life," she finished while standing up to wash her plate the muggle way on the sink. She shouldn't take such morbid pleasure in shocking the men, but she was quite tired as being perceived as the sexless, boring bookworm people generally presumed her to be.

She could feel the tension building up behind her and couldn't help smiling to herself, but she didn't have a chance to fully acknowledge it because the floo flared green, letting two tall figures inside the house. When she turned around she found the smiling faces of the two eldest Weasley brothers approaching her in what seemed to be a very good mood.

Bill now lived with Charlie in Romania, since he had divorced Fleur four years ago, and found a wonderful job near his reserve. The Romanians had found a cursed Castle that was rumoured to be Dracula's original home and had been hiring curse breakers all over the world. Since then they visited quite often, now that Bill forced Charlie once again into their social group and the Dragon tamer realised they didn't see Molly very often, he started loosening up and coming to London without the need of being threatened.

"Morning, doll," Charlie greeted her with a kiss on top of the head and a light squish of the waist.

"Good morning, Charlie," she replied with a smile while finishing the dishes.

"Good day, sunshine." said Bill while turning her around and lifting her up, his hands right under her arse, enjoying her squeak as he kissed her cheek and let her down.

"William Arthur Weasley! How many times have I told you I _hate it_ when you do that!" she said in a stern voice.

"I could think about a few times when you rather enjoyed it... Or some variation of it." he replied with a wolfish smile and a wink.

She couldn't believe her ears. Her affair with Bill had been a rather unnoticed one, or at least it hadn't been acknowledged in front of his family members.

After the divorce, he was devastated, and not quite ready to start dating. He ran into Hermione one day at the Ministry and invited her to lunch. He was amazed at the vast amounts of knowledge she harboured in that head of hers, and her in-depth understanding of so many subjects had him consulting her frequently on several of his cases. The little gatherings turned into a common occurrence, conversation flowing easily and naturally between them. It hadn't taken long for the older wizard to take a shine to her, and to start pursuing her without even noticing. Her relationship with Ron had just ended, and when Bill finally asked if she wanted to have dinner with him, she said she didn't want to make things awkward between him and his family.

However, she hadn't said at any point that wasn't interested. He took it as a challenge, and ended up extending their lunches, longer and longer each time. He hadn't done such severe research work since his apprenticeship, but he had to find lines of inquiries that required long periods of time to be addressed properly. At some point, they started meeting on Sundays and from there he'd managed to date the witch in secret for a year and a half. In the end things hadn't quite worked out but they remained very close.

Hermione just looked at him, eyes wide, a perfect "o" shaped by her lips, and completely silent after he outed their past relationship in front of all the occupants of the kitchen.

"Oh, come on love, don't look at me like that. Everybody knew about us. The only one who thought it was a complete secret was you," he said, then proceeded to ignore her and serve himself some breakfast. She turned rather suddenly to address his brother.

"Are you to tell me, Charlie Weasley, that you knew about this?" her voice grew a bit higher in pitch, but no one seemed to notice.

"Well... Yeah, darlin' " he paused for a second, plate in hand, a spoon full of eggs and looked her in the eye. "I'd had my eye on you for weeks when I realised you were involved with Bill. Why do you think it took me so long to come after you?" he averted his gaze and proceeded to serve himself some bacon and continued speaking.

"It was the day I found you and Bill in the kitchen that I knew I had to try if you ever broke up… Or stopped seeing each other that is," he finished when he saw the dark look that his older brother threw his way. Charlie moved behind her, his mouth next to her ear. 'I never did find out, though, how the hell did you manage that particular position. Not that I'm complaining mind you," he whispered into her ear with a cheeky grin.

However, if their faces were anything to go by, everyone had heard Charlie's remark quite clearly.

Ron suddenly stood up, very red and with a vein popping on his forehead.

"You told me you thought of the Weasley's as family," he stated in a very dangerously low tone. "As brothers"

Hermione just cleared her throat, never before been a situation like this, where the topic of discussion was her sex life and the sex shops she frequented. It was just too much scrutiny. Bill looked at her apologetically mouthing, " _Sorry, I thought he knew"_.

"These things just happened Ron. I couldn't have foreseen that the twins would spike my pumping juice with lust potion, or that Bill and I would grow closer. I certainly never have imagined Charlie would be interested in me," she blurted out, panicked for a moment "I didn't spend as much time with them as I did with you and Harry, so I suppose it just wasn't the same with them," she finished in one breath.

By the slight change in his face, Hermione realised that somehow she'd just made things worse.

Ron then turned his head slowly to the twins, who were on each side of Remus.

"You did _WHAT_?" he started in the same deadly tone before finishing with a resounding scream.

They squirmed a bit in their seats while Remus stood up quietly to wash his plate, having already finished his breakfast and not wanting to get caught in the crossfire.

"We thought we were helping you!" replied Fred quickly. "We really thought that she'd be going straight to you, since you refused to ask her out and the tension was driving us mad! So we decided to give you a hand, or what we thought was getting you laid." he squirmed in his seat thinking that Remus was very smart and that he should follow his example.

"But then she came to us all hot and bothered and we were helpless!" George finished before he felt Sirius kick him hard in the shin under the table.

" _George!_ " screamed Hermione horrified, but it was already too late.

By this point, Ron resembled the red teapot that was starting to boil on the stove. Harry tried to put a hand on his shoulder but the redhead shifted out of his way. He took three deep breaths and then addressed Hermione again.

"You slept with Fred and George?" he asked in the same deadly tone than before.

This time she froze. He hadn't known about Bill, Charlie or the twins, who were her only sexual partners since she had become sexually active on her seventh year.

"Am I to understand I'm the only Weasley you refused to sleep with?" he asked seethingly.

This was beyond humiliating, she must seem an easy lay to Remus and Sirius who were watching the whole exchange with worry and amusement respectively. Suddenly she turned rigid. She was not to be made a spectacle, not by Ron and not by anybody.

"It is none of your business, Ronald, who I sleep or have slept with. Stop this right now, or I swear I'll hex your arse so far in time you'll have been born without it! Thank Merlin I _refused_ , as you so put it, to sleep with you, because by now you would have no balls either!" she said in a frosty tone that bit most of the men in the room. Her wand was out by now, her hair was almost buzzing with electricity and her eyes were shooting daggers at him, daring him to say something else.

He looked at her angrily and you could almost see the steam come out of his ears as it does when a teapot starts to shout, the pressure inside it too much to remain quiet. He let out a little growl and just stalked out of the kitchen.

The silence didn't last long as Fred started to laugh after a soft "Shite." and every other occupant of the table followed. Hermione just looked worriedly at the door, wondering if she had gone too far.

 _No, he'll just have to get over it_ , she thought. _I owe nobody but myself an explanation of the decisions I make about_ my _body_ , she repeated to herself.

"Just for the record, I haven't nor will I _ever_ sleep with Percy Weasley," she said with her head held high, while putting her wand away. At this everyone burst out laughing.

Harry stood up and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry, he'll come around in no time. You think he'll want to miss the sex shop explanation? The real one I mean," he told her with a grin.

"The sex shop explanation?" Said Charlie and Bill at the same time with their mouths full. They looked at each other and smiled before continuing to eat while looking expectantly at the rest of the people in the kitchen.

"Oh yeah, here we thought Hermione was the epitome of the good girl. Seems we've all been fooled." Harry commented, happy that the tension had left the room and they weren't demanding to know why he had asked his best friend for the location of the shop in the first place. He was surrounded by his fiancée's brothers after all.

"I don't know where you've been these past few years, but after learning she set Snape's robes on fire in her _first year_ …" started Fred.

"...and brewed Polyjuice on her second year, before trying to go after a _Basilisk_ …" continued George.

"... I don't think I would call Hermione anything but the epitome of daring!" finished Fred with a stern nod of the head.

"You're right, and you don't even know about the Centaurs," said Harry mildly.

"I'm sorry, did he say you brewed Polyjuice at twelve? How did I not know about this?" asked a staggered Remus.

"No, no, focus people! You were telling us about a sex shop story?" interrupted Charlie.

"Yes, let's please don't change the subject just now!" said Bill.

"Hermione here was clarifying, for some reason," intervened Sirius for the first time, the last part in a much lower tone, though she heard him clearly. "That she is, in fact, a 'grown sexual being. Like we don't know that already," he said sarcastically to the rest of the men in the table who nodded in agreement.

"What exactly do you mean by that, Black?" she asked in a somewhat defensive tone. She didn't care for insinuations that she was a harlot of some sort. She would not tolerate anyone to call her or any other woman out on the exploration of their sexuality, however they chose to do that. If that was what Sirius was trying to say he had a storm coming.

"I'm not sure if you've noticed pet, but I think I'm not mistaken when I say, with complete certitude and without asking for fear of being wrong, that every man, except maybe Harry, in this room has had an indecent thought or two about you," he said nonchalantly as he waved his wand so his plate would wipe itself clean and find it's way to its shelf. Once again, the rest of the men in the table who nodded in agreement.

"So what I meant to leave very clear was, and trust me when I tell you, pet, that it's very clear to every man here that you are a 'grown living sexual being' because we all see you that way," he said nonchalantly. "Now, as we've just learnt, only two of those men know for a fact that you 'care for interesting twists in life' for the utter disgrace of the rest of us. I do know that I for one would love to find out for myself," he finished while wiggling his eyebrows and with a wolfish grin.

That was something she wasn't expecting. Truthfully. Even though she had harboured fantasies of such nature, she would have never dreamed them possible. Sirius Black was telling her he wanted to find out how... twisted she was? This was too much.

Thinking he stepped over some invisible boundary or another, the animagus quickly backpedalled "But don't lose your head pet. A man can only dream, ei?" he just shot a playful smile that caused a very familiar reaction in her lower belly.

This was not good. This was Sirius Black she was thinking about. This was very dangerous territory.

"Stop talking nonsense, Black. You're making everyone uncomfortable." And by that Hermione meant _she_ was uncomfortable, because while those were things she had hoped to hear someday, apparently her brain could not process it at the speed she wanted to.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, love. I was just stating a fact, you know I can't help myself." Then he gave her another of his roguish smiles, her stomach making a little loop. "I've been given more than one kiss and more than one slap for saying what I think before I think what I say," he said and let out a hearty bark of a laugh that was incredibly Sirius.

She was so distracted by the little things in his mannerisms and his facial expression that she didn't notice that she was staring at him.

"Did I finally say something right?" he winked at her. "Do I get a kiss?" he was only looking at her, as if there was nobody else in the room, and she almost lost herself in those grey eyes… then she came back to herself.

"You wish, Black" she stood up to clean Bill and Charlie's plate, while they were watching the exchange interestedly.

"For which one? Should I wish for the kiss or the slap?" his laugh was a throaty and low now. It gave her chills.

"As if you could handle either," she scoffed. "Not that slapping is one of my kinks."

"Maybe spanking?" asked the animagus. "Or perhaps being spanked?"

"Oh, enough! It's too bloody early to be having this conversation!" she said annoyed before leaving the room.

"Do not fret, gentlemen. We'll get her properly intoxicated tonight and get answers! It's the twins birthday after all," Sirius reassured the other men. A plan formed in the animagus' mind, they would get answers that night, no matter how much Ogden's finest it took.

...

That evening everything seemed to be going to plan.

The twins usually asked one thing of every guest that attended their soirees as a birthday gift; The attendee must not, under any circumstance, leave the evening festivities sober. Hermione, while usually reticent to drink more than her share, seemed to always make an exception for the twins and try to prove that if she chose to, she could drink any of them under the table.

Everything appeared to be going to plan, thought it didn't really seem to be a need for a plan at all.

It looked like the tiny witch had made it her mission to drink the entire contents of bar by herself. It was a strange sight no doubt and any other night that would have been enough to satisfy the animagus.

However, that night he was on a mission.

Sirius didn't really know why it was so important to know, he was used to his curiosity getting the better of him. It was a matter of principle, he thought. Hermione had a secret, wicked, kinky sex life and he wouldn't be worthy of the Marauders if he didn't find out everything about it!

Spotting the witch in question talking to Remus, he approached them both. Upon closer inspection, he noticed Hermione was blushing and his best friend was sporting a mischievous smile he only wore after a particularly good prank.

"Now, I generally make a point to stay out of other people's business," Hermione snorted but he continued nonplussed " However, I _must_ know what you said to spring such a pretty blush out of our lovely Cursebreaker here, Moony."

"Why would I ever share with you the secret to my charm, Padfoot?" the cheeky grin almost looked out of place in the face of the quiet Marauder but he knew better. He had seen it more during their youth and the animagus was happy to see it now.

It was only natural that Hermione was the one to put it there.

"I need all the help I can get, old friend. I'm intent on finding out all that Miss Granger has been hiding from us and I won't leave until I do," he said in a husky voice. He hadn't meant to sound so intense, he could see from the corner of his eyes Remus's eyebrows raise in surprise. Sirius ignored him.

His eyes were boring into her and she wasn't looking away. For the life of him, Sirius couldn't tell if it was the alcohol in his system but he simply couldn't tear his eyes from her and each moment that passed the tension grew and the imaginary stakes grew higher.

Hermione was trying to compose her breathing. Her pulse was out of control and she was sure she would hyperventilate if she didn't get her breathing under control soon. How did that man manage to make her lose her composure so easily? She was stronger than this! She was smarter than this… wasn't she?

It was amazing all the things that came to mind when Sirius looked into her eyes. Just by staring into them she could almost feel his hands on her lower back, she could picture him undressing her painfully slow, torturing hear, taunting her, a battle of dominance, of self-restraint.

Finally, Remus interrupted the exchange simply by saying "I'm too sober for this," and left, clearly in search for a refill for his drink.

Sirius didn't look away to watch him leave and she could feel her pulse in her head, the blood pumping so hard through her veins she was sure one of these days one of them would simply pop open.

"Fancy another drink?" his voice was pure gravel and Hermione could almost feel the textures of his voice in her lower stomach.

"I fancy a lot of things, Black…" she sounded remarkably composed for the amount of liquor she had downed. Was she flirting with him?

"I might be able to accommodate you, if you're so inclined," Sirius managed to reply.

"Perhaps after you've caught up to my shot count, I can't take you seriously if we're not even on the same level," she said with a straight face. The shine in her eyes betrayed her condition but he, of course, was more than willing to comply.

"You don't have to ask twice, lead the way," he said. He watched her stumble a bit on her way to the bar, he too was somewhat unsure on his feet but followed as promised.

He would get answers no matter what.

…

Very rarely he allowed himself to drink to the point of complete obliteration, not anymore at least. However, it seemed that without meaning to, he had made an exception the day before. Sirius's head felt like someone had mistaken it for a bludger the night before. His tongue was dry in his mouth, the texture not unlike that of sandpaper.

Swearing under his breath he attempted to open his eyes, chanting to Merlin for some mercy, hoping not to find the curtains wide open. Apparently, all his hardship in his life exempted him from the silly suffering of regular life, as he found the room pitch black.

It took several moments for him to muster the strength to move but when he finally did his head swam and everything seemed to move with him as he approached the bathroom. His trusted hangover potion was in its usual place and instantly solved all balance problems, at least. It would take at least half an hour to have all his senses to work properly.

After the usual cleaning spells on his teeth and the respective freshening charms, the animagus decided he was too tired to be up and about. He headed back to his bed for a few more hours of sleep. Just as he was about to surrender himself to Morpheus he moved and the bed cried in pain.

The bed cried in pain… ?

Dread settled in Sirius's stomach as a hand made it's way to the other end of the bed and found himself with a handful of curves. He swore internally and hoped this wasn't a monumental fuck up, not after the incident at the Weasley's last year. How was he to know that was Ron's new girlfriend? The whole event was for them to meet her!

In any case, his hands did an exploration of their own, as was procedure in cases such as this. He went first along her arms, trying to find her hands in search of a ring. The woman in question let out a soft moan but remained otherwise passed out. Sirius couldn't really make her out in the darkness but in his search, he found that she was still dressed.

Odd.

Sirius himself was in his boxers, as he usually slept, however, it was unusual for him to be wearing them after a night of drunken sex.

 _Maybe she just passed out here_ , he thought. Yes, perhaps this was all an innocent misunderstanding.

Then he froze as his fingers found a ring in his perusal.

No matter if she was dressed, a married woman sleeping in his bed spelt out trouble.

Fuck.

Sirius thought he wouldn't have to deal with this sort of problems anymore and what was worse… he'd lost a bet to Remus.

Fucker.

As he was removing his hand the animagus felt the mystery woman shift and grab a hold of his arm and pressed it against her front. Soft, well-filled breasts were all he could feel and for a moment his mind grew clouded and he went half hard.

 _No, no. It's been a while bu I am_ not _this weak_ , he told himself.

Maybe once upon a time, he wouldn't have given a flying fuck if she was married or not, she was in _his_ bed. That would have been more than enough. Lately, however, he found himself trying to be better, a "decent" man.

Ugh, how he hated that word.

The blame laid at the feet of the resident bookworm, as most of the recent changes in his life did. Since Hermione had moved into Grimmauld Place he often found himself being nursed after a night out, she would make him breakfast and hand him potions to help out. He would tell her that she shouldn't waste her time with incorrigible ex-convicts, but she would only smile and simply say "You're a decent man, Sirius" and move along.

It was annoying too, to discover she had such a profound effect on him, without even meaning to.

The sleeping woman who had kidnapped his arm brought him back to reality when she turned around and blended her whole body his. Her perfect arse was now lined up with his crotch and she'd somehow manoeuvred one of her legs between his.

He couldn't help the moan that escaped him and he almost gave in to the temptation. That was, until, a mass of hair attacked him and Sirius had to pull back to be able to breathe. She didn't seem to notice this as she started to pull his fingers, one by one, into her mouth.

While her hair seemed intent on killing him, he lost focus once more at the feel of her tongue on his middle finger, her teeth scraping lightly as she went pulled it slowly out of her mouth. The rumble in his chest was genuine and he knew he had to stop this or things would get out of hand very soon.

Sirius was trying to be a decent man but he was still a man… and he was still Sirius.

Before he could say anything, however, her mouth was on his ring finger and she stopped her movements immediately upon finding a ring.

It took a moment for Sirius to process that information.

The animagus didn't wear rings.

Her mouth slowly abandoned the exploration of his hands and she slowly retreated to her side of the bed. As she did, his senses finally seemed to be coming back and a familiar smell enveloped his senses. Familiar and yet he couldn't place it.

 _Who was this woman?_

"Sirius, why are you wearing a wedding ring?"

His stomach did all manner of gymnastics at the sound of her voice.

Oh, fuck, was he going to be in so much trouble for this.


End file.
